Unbothered and unapologetic

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself having a real emotional break down. For 2 days, I just couldn't seem to get myself together. Now usually, I schedule time for my pity parties. For example, when I'm dealing with a particular issue, I say to myself, "Ok, you've got until 4:00pm to sulk and then you gotta let it go." And typically, I follow the rules. However, on those 2 days, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and my pity party time limits went straight out the door. On Wednesday night after a long talk with my mentor, I walked into Food Lion to make a small purchase and while checking out, tears were flowing down my cheeks. As much as I tried to hold it in, I could not. I am sure the cashier wanted to address me but probably just didn't know how. There wasn't even one thing that was bothering me. It was this culmination of everything and everyone that hit me all at once. It started with something small... as it always does and spiraled quickly into first world problems. If I'm totally honest, for the purposes of full disclosure, I am still a little bit tender... still reflecting on a few things. Yesterday, I read and reposted a great meme on social media that said, "You only have so much emotional energy each day. Don't fight battles that don't matter." Those words resonated deeply with me. I am the quintessential over-thinker. The way my brain works and analyzes things would blow your whole entire mind. I realize though that I cannot worry about my relationships with other people beyond being me, demonstrating love to those I care dearly for, praying for and encouraging them & being authentic in my interactions. I cannot control whether or not that is reciprocated. I cannot stress about work and things that I cannot fix. I can only do my best and trust God to be my source. I cannot allow the actions or inaction of others to dictate my mood or tempo. I can only control my response. I cannot expend energy to situations that, in the whole scheme of life, simply do not matter. At the end of the day, my blessings outweigh my problems. And when there is a problem, God always comes through right on time. I'm just so tired of allowing everything and everyone to get the best of me when I should be giving the best to myself. Obviously, no one is using their time or energy being concerned about how they treat me so why should I waste my time and energy trying to figure out why they're treating me some type of way? Moving forward, I vow to trust my gut. To accept what God allows. Be brave. Be bold. Stay focused on my personal goals. Speak my truth & don't take any shit... from NOBODY!!! I will keep my chakras aligned, talk to God daily, mind my own business (per usual), drink water and GROW. The people who have genuine love & concern for me and my boys are welcome to share in our lives. Everyone else can kick rocks with open toed shoes! No fake friends. No negative energy. No unnecessary drama. I'm not here for the shade, the shit show or the pissing contests. And know that if anyone comes to me with some B.S., be prepared for an honest conversation on how you got me all the way fucked up because I'm all the way over it. The closer I get to 40, the less I care about other people's feelings as I am becoming more & more aware with each passing day of how little people care about mine. I will continue to love everyone but my time will only be invested in those who also invest time in me. I deserve the same love that I give. I do NOT deserve to be half loved, sometimes loved, or loved at whomever's convenience. I'm not holding on tight to anyone who doesn't want to hold on tight to me. My release game is strong. Sorry not sorry. Welcome to this season of being unbothered and unapologetic... I caution you to watch your step.

Check on Your Strong Friend

Strong friend... is that a real thing? I think that we are all strong in a sense but there are times when we should be allowed to not be so strong. Life can be too much at times. Overwhelming. Complex. Ever changing. Even the smallest things can feel like big things depending on the day. And as a result, I admit... sometimes I get "in my feelings". I am naturally an encourager -- I enjoy being an encourager and take great pride in it. I try to make everyone feel special in some way. I genuinely care about people and what they're going through. I pray for others more than I even pray for myself. When I am going through a difficult time or facing some challenges, most people don't even know. When a friend calls to vent, I listen and respond no less lovingly or concerned than I would if I didn't have my own stuff going on. It matters to me how others feel. It matters to me when my loved ones are sad, hurt, or bothered. If for any reason I am ever the cause of any of those negative feelings, I want to make sure that I somehow make it right. Some people have this impression that I am so calm and relaxed or that things don't bother me and while generally speaking that is true, it is not always the case. Sometimes, I'm falling apart at the seams. Sometimes, I have so much going on in my head and my heart that I honestly cannot function like a normal person. The older I get, the more difficult it becomes to balance life and simultaneously balance my emotions. With that being said, for those who may consider me "the strong friend"... I am but I also have my limits. I have my breaking points. I have meltdowns. So if you see that I am not myself -- maybe I'm cranky, maybe I'm more quiet than usual, maybe I'm not joking and engaging -- whatever I may be that is different from the norm... Please, don't take it personal. Instead, offer me some grace. And maybe even stop to ask, "Are you ok? How can I help?" Please remember that it's important to check in on your strong friend. We don't mind holding others up, whispering prayers, being a listening ear, coming through in any way needed or giving reassurance and support by saying I love you, I'm here for you. But there are times when we need to be held up, prayed for, listened to, came through for, and to be reassured and supported by being told I love you & I'm here for you.

But God...

The other day I wore one of my favorite t-shirts. It says “But God” and references Ephesians 2:4-6. On March 23rd (my dad’s 68th birthday), I experienced a But God moment as I was involved in a minor car accident. The accident could have been major as I was literally seconds and probably an inch away from losing my life -- totally no exaggeration. I only shared this with a few people; not even my own Momma because it really shook me to my core. For about 4-5 days, I hardly talked and couldn’t really eat. The following Tuesday morning, I received a phone call from a dear friend/Mentor/Soror who knew about the accident. She said that I had been so heavy on her heart & she wanted to make sure I was okay. I honestly don’t remember my response but I remember her saying, “Itisha, it was not your time. This should reassure you of God’s presence in your life. He is always with you.” And of course since I was at work with a group of youth 10 feet away from me, I turned my back to them as I felt the tears rolling down my face. So today, exactly 30 days later, I am beyond grateful to wake up for my 39th birthday. God gave me another opportunity to reach my goals, pour into my children, love on the special people in my life, and just be me. I very well could have been sleeping in my grave (as the old folks say)… BUT God. When I look back over these 39 blessed years, I recognize quite a few BUT God moments. Situations when I could have lost my whole entire mind. Situations when I felt like all my joy was gone. Situations that are so super crazy that if I would tell it, most people wouldn’t even believe it could actually be true. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to tell the stories. What I will say though is I thank God for separating me from certain people and removing me from situations that held me in bondage so for everything I lost… thank you for setting me free. March 23, 2018 could have been the end of my dash. As of this moment, and THIS day, I am continuing to live in my dash. April 22, 1979 -- ? That is nobody BUT GOD! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! And may the good Lord keep on keepin’ me.

Save Yourself

Usually when we see someone drowning it's our natural inclination to try to rescue them. Flailing in the water, screaming, crying... we jump in to grab them before they're swallowed up by the waves and ripples. But have you ever noticed that sometimes people don't really want to be rescued? They'd prefer to stay where they are kicking, screaming and struggling. The closer you get to them, the more unsteady and unbalanced you become. You begin to no longer be able to tread water. All of their splashing covers your clear vision and the loudness of their wailing attempts to drown out God's voice speaking to your life. As harsh as it may sound, before we set out to rescue others, we must first assess the situation to determine the safety risks. We must also acknowledge our own skills and deficits asking "Am I even a good enough swimmer for this?". We must be careful that the hand we grab to pull up doesn't pull us down. Now don't mistake what I'm saying here. I believe in helping others as evident in my current occupation and every day living. However, I have learned that helping others should not come at the expense of myself. Sometimes in certain situations or with certain people, all we can do is stand by and call in reinforcement (God through prayer). Jesus already died on the cross to "save" us. God is the ultimate rescuer. So learn to pray for others and SAVE YOURSELF. No need in 2 people drowning.

Transform Your Pain into Power

Jonah, my littlest one (3 years old) has moderate-severe Eczema which mainly effects his knees, elbows, and ankles. We’ve tried every ointment, both over the counter and prescription as well as oral medications to help relieve some of the pain associated with Eczema. Some work for a while but then it appears that his body adjusts and we are then forced to switch to something different. At times, he will insist on simply scratching, even until it bleeds, instead of allowing us to use creams or ointments. It occurred to me one day when he was resisting treatment that he had become used to the pain. And that troubled me in more ways than one. It prompted me to think about how we get used to the pain in our lives. There are situations that I have found myself in as an adult, although painful, I resisted treatment or resolution. The pain had become so repetitive and so familiar that I could anticipate the onset of it’s arrival. Further, I knew how long it would last and even then I knew approximately how much time would span before the cycle repeated itself. In retrospect, it makes no sense why I allowed the pain but my guess is that #1. Sadly, the pain was familiar and expected and some twisted part of me would rather deal with the devil I knew versus the one I didn’t. #2. There was a part of me that simply did not feel worthy of something better. In my prayers, I realized that what I had been asking God for in regard to the remedy for my pain was not His will for my life. I began to pray differently which allowed me to begin to see things differently. Once my vision was clearer and in alignment with God’s vision for me, I could actually feel myself separating from the pain and allowing healing to take place. I read Matthew 11:28 that says, “If you are tired of carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest”. I had to question myself and ask why the sense of unworthiness? Which lead me to scriptures like Psalm 139:13-14, John 3:16, Jeremiah 29:11, John 15:16, and one of my favorites Luke 12:6-7 which reads, “ Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. I had to remind myself that I am the daughter of a King which means I AM worthy of all things great & extraordinary. In our most painful and difficult situations, we hold the power to allow pain to either break us or make us. We do not have to become accustomed to pain when God has already given us the remedy through Jesus. Though we may endure for a little while, it is written in Psalm 30:5, “Weeping may endure for a night but rejoicing comes in the morning”. Whether it’s the pain of your physical weight, the pain of an unhealthy relationship, the pain of your financial situation, or the pain of going into a job that you hate every day; please do not become comfortable with and accustomed to your pain. I would much rather accept the pain of attempting change than to suffer the pain of remaining the same. Make your experiences a platform to help others. Share your struggle, share your story with others who may in turn find strength to remove themselves from similar pains. Allow the pain to inspire, motivate, and lead you more into your Divine purpose. I pray today that you recognize your pain as temporary and understand that God’s promises are forever and Amen. Let your pain have purpose. Transform your pain into power. And remember that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

Spring Cleaning

I began Spring cleaning the week of Spring’s arrival. It’s a yearly ritual. I actually do Winter cleaning as well... but you get the picture. I think it’s important to re-evaluate what we have, determine what is truly being used and decide what is no longer needed. It is absolutely a cleansing process, in more ways than one. Right before Spring, I feel myself getting a little anxious because I know that spring cleaning is coming. Even though, in my head, I’m very aware of the benefits of spring cleaning, I have to prepare my mind and emotions for it. There are boxes of the kids’ paperwork to sort through and I can’t save it all so I have to decide what’s most important. Not to mention the cute little clothes that they’ve outgrown. Do I keep certain pieces just to be sentimental or pass them along to someone who can actually use them? And let’s not talk about my clothes... the ones that are too small that I vow to lose weight to fit again someday. See, the anxiety comes from the reality that I have to face of my children growing up too fast and that I may very well never lose the weight :( My first round of Spring cleaning is complete after 3 gigantic garbage bags of clothes and shoes that the boys and I haven’t worn in quite some time. I even went through the boys’ toys, some of my pocketbooks, and random other things around the house that were not being used. It felt freeing to release myself of these items. After it was out of the house, I realized that these things were just taking up space. Now with it all being gone, I can better appreciate what we already have and it doesn’t feel cluttered. If needed or when needed, we will have the space for more or something even better. It’s so important that we do Spring cleaning. And not just of our physical possessions but of all of the things that clutter our lives with negativity. We have to take inventory of the energies that we are receiving from others into our space and into our spirits. Just as there is no real purpose of having 100 pair of jeans, there is no real purpose to have people in our space who do not mean us well. I get it though. Some of us are afraid to open up that box. Because once we start throwing stuff out, we have to actually do something about it. We have to then feel the pain and hurt of our choices, disappointments and failures, as well as directly address the things that others have done to us. We have to acknowledge our role in what we have allowed. We have to work through the anger and move forward in forgiveness and Lord have mercy sometimes forgiveness is so incredibly hard. This is where Spring cleaning becomes therapy. It is our hope that our love will be enough to transform the unhealthy people in our lives but we have to be honest with ourselves knowing that their transformation has to come from someone greater than us. So when we release them, we have to also free ourselves yet remain prayerful that God will do some Spring cleaning within them (Luke 6:28 “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”) May you learn to treasure what you have and allow yourself the opportunity to receive more. May you see the beauty of this special time of cleansing and allow God to rejuvenate your soul and declutter your spirit. May you accept responsibility for your mess and create a healthy lifestyle that frees you from hoarding unnecessary belongings as well as unnecessary stress, anger, bitterness and those things that are not of God. May you find forgiveness in your heart for those who have littered in your life and lift them up in prayer to your Heavenly Father. Be whole knowing that God is all you need; everything else is secondary. And may you truly discover peacefulness in your time of Spring cleaning (“For God is not a God of disorder but of peace” -- 1 Corinthians 14:33).

Pick Your Battles

Jonah, the 2 year old, is very particular about what he wants to wear. This began last year around his 2nd birthday. Jayden was not like this at 2 years old. Whatever I laid out for him to wear, he put it on with no problems. So initially when this began with Jonah, I was like look dude... you’re going to wear what I said wear because I said so and I’m the Mommy. Well, as our struggles with attire grew each day, I began to realize that I was wasting my time and using unnecessary energy to fight a rather silly battle. Most days Jonah wanted to wear shorts with boots or shorts with Elmo slippers. I decided to allow him to do this during the week since he was just going to the sitter. He may not have been matching and he may have looked as if he were dressed for 2-3 different seasons, but the bottom line was he was dressed and we made it out of the house without either of us having a meltdown. I thought about this yesterday as I found myself expending energy and wasting time trying to fight an unnecessary, silly battle. Here I was going back and forth with someone in text messages throughout the entire day about something that ultimately, doesn’t even concern or bother me. I allowed myself to get all worked up, angry and even throwing jabs. For what? So I had to check myself. I had to remember that I already know the real truth that outsiders don’t see or know. I had to remember my bottom line. And I had to go back to what I know that God has already promised me. Exodus 14:14 came to mind... “The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.” When I love, I love hard. So the same is true when I’m in fight mode... I fight hard. Usually my fight is because of something or someone I love. It’s extremely important for me to get my points across with examples and facts to support it. There is passion in my fight. It used to bother me when I felt like someone was winning or getting over on me. I had to make sure people knew that I knew what they were trying to do by calling them to the carpet so to speak. Then I realized how much more fun and interesting it is for others to think I’m stupid and watch them play themselves. Besides, everything doesn’t require my attention or response. I believe that we escalate situations in our lives when we become all bothered and worked up. As the saying goes, “you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to”. There are so many battles that I could fight but I choose not to because I know without any doubt that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. So instead I choose to be still, have peace, pick my battles wisely and allow God to fight for me. I encourage each of you to step back and examine the battles you are currently fighting. Ask yourself 1. what exactly are you fighting for 2. who is the battle benefiting and 3. do you trust God enough to step back and allow Him to fight those battles for you? Reduce your stress by re-evaluating what’s really important. Pick your battles, don’t let your battles pick at you. It’s just that simple.

Show Some Gratitude

As adults, we can sometimes become so busy with life that we lose sight of the basics. However, children have a funny yet simple way of reminding us just what those basics are. My boys say thank you to me all of the time. For every little thing. Even things that I don’t think they need to thank me for like cuddling with them at night, making cupcakes together, or playing at the park. I am their mother. This is what mothers are supposed to do, right? Jonah has been potty training and no kidding y’all, whenever I buy him underwear, he gets so excited and says, “Mommy, awh, you bought these for me? Thank you Mommy!” accompanied with a great big hug and kiss. In my mind, I’m thinking, it’s just underwear but you’re welcome buddy. Jayden is the same way. On our ride home from Five Guys he’ll say, “Thank you for taking us to Five Guys Mommy”. Again, in my mind, I’m thinking... it was just a burger... we had to eat dinner and I refuse to cook today (LOL). Every morning on the way to school/babysitter/work, we pray. If it were not for my habitual tardiness everywhere I go, we would pray at home but that’s besides the point people ;). Sometimes I lead the prayer and sometimes Jayden leads (Jonah hasn’t progressed to all of that yet but we can count on him to holler AMEN). When Jayden prays, he thanks God for everything his little heart can think of; from Jesus dying on the cross for our sins to trees so that we have oxygen to live, animals and plants so that we have food to eat. I’ve heard him thank God that we have a car to get us to church so that we can learn more about Him, shoes on our feet, a home to go to each day and so much more. Sometimes he gets so deep into his thankfulness and expressing his gratitude to God that he doesn’t even bother asking Him for anything. This reminds me to be grateful for all things, big and small. Because just as Jayden realizes that I don’t necessarily have to take them out to eat dinner and just as Jonah realizes I don’t necessarily have to buy him Batman underwear, I realize that God doesn’t have to wake me up in the morning. It’s just that simple. So every morning that my feet hit the floor, the very first words out of my mouth will be “Thank you Lord”. Even when there are prayers that I want God to answer, I hope that I am more like Jayden and get so caught up in my thankfulness that I sometimes forget to utter my requests. We spend so much time complaining about what’s wrong that we don’t express our gratitude for what’s right. We spend so much energy wasting & worrying about things that don’t matter that we lose sight of what really does matter. So take some time to show God some gratitude (Psalm 107:1 -- “Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever.”)for every single thing He has done and is doing in your life because understand, He doesn’t have to do it... but aren’t you glad that He did/does?

He Loves Me (and you)

Jayden is my 8 year old "strong willed" child. He's been that way since I can remember. This often times lands him in trouble both at home and school. Well, one day Jayden hesitantly came to me with tears in his eyes because he had gotten into trouble for doing something that he knew he had no business doing. I already knew what he'd done, but I waited for him to come to me. I'm not sure if what he did actually scared him or if it was his Momma's wrath that worried him, but I saw fear in his eyes as tears poured from his little face. He seemed embarrassed and ashamed of himself. He attempted to muster up the right words to explain himself and apologize in between choppy sentences, squeals and deep breaths. After the response I provided him did not meet his initial expectations of anger and he was able to calm down, he asked, "Mommy, do you still love me?". My answer was simple. "Of course I still love you Jayden. NOTHING in this world could ever make me stop loving you. NOTHING!". I went on to explain to him that sometimes I may be upset or disappointed in his behavior and actions because I know that he is capable of doing better but that doesn't change my love for him. My children mean the absolute world to me. I carried each of them for 9 long, hard months. Before they were even physically present in the world, I loved them. 2 C-sections; one emergency and one scheduled. If you know anything about pain, you know that my body endured a lot of changes before, during and after childbirth. People say that childbirth is the closest that a woman gets to death... and I believe that! I've been to every single doctor's appointment. I take off of work for every illness. I go to almost every school and sports event. I am the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny all wrapped into one. A single kiss of my lips on a "boo boo" makes it all better. Every thing I do, I do for my children. The love that I have for them is immeasurable and without condition. And although they don't realize it yet, I know them extremely well and I'm watching God work in their little lives. Sometimes we forget that God feels this same way, if not deeper for us. There were so many times in my life when I felt like I had really messed up and couldn't fix it. Times when I felt like I had disappointed God to the point that I was outside of His love and safety. But thank goodness that the devil is a liar! He already knows our failures and disappointments, He's simply waiting for us to come to him. Broken, ashamed, hurt... He has the power to heal all of that. He's not angry or seeking to punish us, His love is too strong. The pain that His one and only son Jesus endured on the cross already paid for our sins (John 3:16, Isaiah 53:5). Is there a love greater than this? My former pastor used to say all of the time that it is impossible to out sin the love of God. And I'm glad about it! From the crown of my head to soles of my feet, He loves me. When I'm right or when I'm wrong, He loves me. Through triumphs and failures, He loves me. In spite of all of my wrong doings, He loves me. He knew me and loved me even before my Earthly existence. And He will love me until the end of time. The same is true for each of you. He loves us. Unconditionally. And there's nothing we can do to change that.

Relationship Goals

We all manage different roles which brings about many different relationships. We place a great deal of importance on our connectedness to others. Relationships in general are a central focus of our lives. Every day we invest a considerable amount of energy into our familial and romantic relationships as well as our friendships. If we're married or have a significant other, we schedule date night. If we have children, we schedule play dates. If we need some time out from the spouse and kids, we schedule a night out with our friends. The calendar is always filled with some type of event or activity simply because we value those relationships and have a desire to remain connected to certain individuals whom we deem significant. Our prayer and goal is to see those relationships grow. Although it may not always be a conscious decision, in relationships, we set goals. For example, most of the time when we're dating, we have an end goal of marriage. Even more so, we have a list of goals detailing exactly what we want that relationship to look & feel like. We've all seen the posts on social media with a picture of an old couple holding hands and the subject of the post reads "Relationship Goals" because ideally, this is what we want for ourselves. A lifetime to spend with a special someone who contributes to our happiness, has our best interests and well being at heart, and knows our flaws and (some of) our secrets but loves us anyway. So we often times do whatever it takes to achieve that relationship goal. Building a relationship is an exciting and joyful experience because it's new, we've got butterflies when we see the person, we're having 5 hour phone conversations and can't believe how much we have in common. Over time, we may realize that there are certain things that bother us about the person. Perhaps it's the way that they chew, maybe their views on important issues in life are not up to our standards, or even worse -- Baby Momma/Baby Daddy drama. The relationship then becomes a challenge. Part of us wants to walk away but well, we're already in love so we keep working at it (spending time together, investing money into the relationship, opening up and sharing ourselves); all in the hopes and prayers that we'll begin to be on one accord... or at least 80/20. We are now bonded with this person. Our level of intimacy is deep; they are first in our lives. We can't imagine being without them and feel weird when the day is quickly passing without a visit or conversation. We're exchanging I love you's regularly and demonstrating that love in our actions of faithfulness, trust, commitment, and gratitude for the reciprocating demonstrations of love. In the middle of the day we may even find ourselves daydreaming, laughing or smiling about a particular memory that we recall of that person, something they did or said, or how amazing they make us feel. When we think about the love that person has for us, it's overwhelming and tears trickle from our eyes. Now don't get me wrong when I say this, it's certainly all right to have that type of relationship. The problem is that in setting our relationship goals, we become so consumed with our horizontal relationships (with people) that we forget about our vertical relationship (with God). And not only do we not invest enough of our time, resources, and energy into building and strengthening our relationship with God, we also then expect Him to bless a relationship that we have not invited Him to be apart of (but I digress... that's a separate blog). The Bible says that God is a jealous God. To me that says that He wants to be first in our lives. Psalm 34:7 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". That tells me that he wants us to be happy. 1 Peter 5:6-7, Deuteronomy 31:6, and Romans 8:28 clearly tell me that God wants the best for us. The Bible further tells us that we were knit together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13) and that He knows every hair on our heads (Matthew 10:30) which tells me that he knows every good and not so good thing about us yet loves us anyway. He wants an intimate relationship with us (1 Timothy 2:3-4). He doesn't want to be the side piece. He doesn't want to engage with us occasionally, he wants to engage with us daily. This is through our prayer life and reading of his Word. He wants us to love Him and desire a relationship with Him. He doesn't want us to keep Him to ourselves either. He wants us to witness and share about the relationship we have with him, let others know about the goodness of Jesus and the miracles we’ve seen him perform in our own lives. Again, he doesn't want to be the side piece. He wants us to claim him (Matthew 10:33). Just as we do in our relationships when our special someone takes us out or buys us something nice, we should be expressing our gratitude to God for all things, big and small. We should not only be declaring that love for Him in our words but demonstrating that love for Him with our actions of faithfulness, trust, and commitment to serving Him and serving others. He made the ultimate sacrifice by sending his only son Jesus to die on the cross, JUST for us. Undoubtedly, that's true love right there! That's the kind of love that should bring us to tears. As we are developing & strengthening our relationship with God, there will be challenges. Trials will come that will cause us to consider reverting to our old ways or abandoning God because sometimes, truth be told, we may feel abandoned by God in our times of trial. Do not be mistaken, He is always there, extending himself and wanting a relationship with us. We will have break ups, friendships will end, children will leave home, some marriages unfortunately will fail. Our horizontal relationships may for whatever reason no longer exist or become questionable. But let us not be vertically challenged. Let us remember the importance and value of our relationship with God. THAT is the ultimate relationship goal. SN: By the way, at the end of the day, no other relationship will survive if He's not invited.

God's Masterpiece

Last year for my birthday, a few of my nearest and dearest joined me for a paint class at Wine & Design. For those who are not familiar with Wine & Design, it is a paint studio where you rent the space for a couple of hours and an instructor is present who assists you and your group with painting a canvas of your choice. For most of us, painting doesn't come naturally and we probably hadn't painted since elementary school in art class. However, with the soothing music playing in the background plus the laughter and random conversations with great friends, it proved to be quite relaxing and fun. The instructor was awesome! She kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be fine. We can fix anything". Some of us needed a little more help than others (lol) but we all walked away with our very own masterpieces. We laughed so hard at my friend (who shall remain nameless but she knows who she is) who's canvas (which was a butterfly on top of a flower) looked nothing like a butterfly or a flower at first. Magically, the instructor was able to enhance the picture with careful, gentle and meticulous strokes of the paint brush to not only make it recognizable but to transform the canvas into a true work of art. As I ponder on this, I realize that is what God does for us. We begin as a blank canvas with the etchings of God's plan and purpose outlined for us to paint. I know this because His word says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" & "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well (Psalm 139:13-14)." Despite the mistakes or errors that we make, God is able to enhance our lives with those experiences. With careful, gentle, and meticulous strokes, He is able to transform our failures, heartbreaks, shortcomings, and disappointments into beautiful blessings. I am imperfect, flawed, and not at all without fault. But I own those imperfections, flaws, faults & love who I am while at the same time making no apologies or excuses either. I haven't always done things right and for as long as I live, I'm sure there will be more things that I don't get right on the first try. I used to beat myself up for that but now I understand that even my imperfections are written in God's plan and purpose for my life. I am so thankful to Him for showing me myself, loving me in spite of myself, and blessing me anyway. Just like the Wine & Design instructor, I can hear God whisper sweetly in my ear saying "Don't worry, it'll be fine. I can fix anything". So on THIS day, my 36th birthday, I recognize myself as a true work in progress; God's Masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God’s Masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." When I wake up every morning, especially this morning, I thank God that the paint hasn't dried and the Artist is still carefully, gently, and meticulously stroking His brush on me.

2014 In Review

WOW... seems like I was just saying goodbye to 2013 and welcoming in 2014 and now already the time is nearing for 2014's end. So many wonderful things have occurred this year! March 24th -- I officially completed my Masters degree in Education from Strayer University. These were NOT online classes. Every class was on campus for 4 hours once a week. I took only one class each quarter which ended up being 4 years for me to complete my degree but by God's grace, that journey came to a beautiful end. April 6th -- One of the PROUDEST days of my life... I was there to watch my middle niece Sharoyal Nicole Brown cross the burning sands into Delta land. I also attended her probate on the campus of MY alma mater, The University of North Carolina at Charlotte. To this day, it brings tears to my eyes. May 4th -- After 14 months of attending, I officially joined my church, Crossroads Fellowship. Since joining, I occasionally serve as a greeter. I've also become connected with a small group on Wednesday nights called Single & Parenting. I have met great people and I am building relationships with other Christians who are very supportive and prayerful. It is such a blessing to have found a church home where I am receiving and learning God's word, able to serve and grow & also where my children enjoy to do the same. August 16th -- On my sister's 39th birthday, although I initially decided that I would not participate in commencement, upon my sister's urging, I walked across the stage at the Time Warner Cable Arena in Charlotte, NC graduating with honors in the Master of Education program at Strayer University. I didn't think I'd be as emotional as I was on that day but I was overcome with joy and truly proud of myself. October 26th -- My 2 beautiful boys, Jayden and Jonah, were dedicated to Christ at church <3 November 12th -- After 4 previous pre-approvals over the past 11 years of living in Raleigh, I finally purchased a house. I did not allow fear to convince me otherwise. For a long time, I've wanted to return to Charlotte. However, the way God lined things up... I had to trust Him and get out of my own way. I absolutely love my house. It fits my personality perfectly. The boys and I are so grateful and really enjoying our new space. 2014 has been extremely good to me. To describe the year in one word, I'd say MIRACULOUS because if you knew what I know, you'd know that God not only showed up, He showed out! This list is just a few of the things that I wanted to share. There has been so much work done with me on the inside... I honestly cannot begin to write it all in this blog :) He healed emotional wounds, released me from unnecessary bondage and truly set me free (#FREEyourself). I was reminded of exactly who I am & who I belong to. As I say each year, I don't make New Year's resolutions because I believe that it's important to be in a continual state of growth. Why wait until a particular day to start a goal? So as always, I resolve to strive to be better every single day of my life; a better Christian, a better mom/Aunt/Sister/Daughter/Friend, and an overall better person. I pray and speak into existence that 2015 will be equally as awesome, even EPIC. I wake up every morning stoked about what God is doing in my life! Here's to wishing you all a happy, healthy, peaceful new year :)

I Am...

As I often say, I believe that it is important to continually seek growth; to educate ourselves, to free ourselves, to better ourselves, and to know ourselves. I am in a great space in my life spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. This joy (James 1:2-3, Psalm 30:5) that I have... the peace (Numbers 6:25-26, Isaiah 26:3, 1 Peter 5:7, 1 Corinthians 14:33) that I feel... is indescribable. I feel liberated. I feel empowered. I feel whole (John 1:12). And I know that it all comes from God because He makes me who I am. Despite what people may think or say, despite my past mistakes or even the mistakes that I may make in the future (because I make no claims to be perfect nor am I always right), despite my failures, flaws & shortcomings; I am everything God says I am... I am created in his image. -- Genesis 1:27 I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was created on purpose and with a purpose. -- Psalm 139:13-16, Jeremiah 29:11 I am deeply loved. -- John 3:16, Romans 8:38 I am a Masterpiece. -- Ephesians 2:10 I am more than a conqueror. -- Romans 8:37 I am capable. -- Philippians 4:13 I am saved. -- Romans 10:9 I am forgiven. -- Psalm 103:10-14, Luke 6:37, 1 John 1:9 I am a new creature. -- 2 Corinthians 5:17 I am favored. -- Psalm 30:5, John 1:16 I am healed. -- Psalm 147:3 I am well taken care of. -- Philippians 4:19, Matthew 6:25-34 I am significant. -- Matthew 10:30, Psalm 56:8 I am free. -- Psalm 34:4 I have come so far & still have so far to go. But Philippians 1:6 says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I pray every day for God to show me myself, to help me become the woman (Proverbs 31) I am destined to be. I am so happy with this skin I am in. And just so grateful for God's unconditional love. He is everything to me... & I am nothing without Him. I encourage you all to go forth with confidence knowing, believing, and trusting who God's Word (John 1:1) says you are!

Let Me Clear My Throat

Our involvement/relationship with someone should be based on our own personal interactions with that person... NOT the interactions and opinions shared from another person. We must form our own thoughts. Go with what we've seen for ourselves and not what we've heard. And if we have an issue with a person, instead of throwing shade... confront them directly; have a mature and open conversation. If a person humbles themselves enough to come to us offering an apology or to clear up a misunderstanding... accept that it is done in love and learn to leave it there. We are never ALWAYS right. When we truly love or care about someone, admit our wrongs or accept responsibility for our role. It's funny how we have a hard time facing ourselves & get ghost on the truth. Are our minds so limited when it comes to basic logic & reasoning? Are our hearts so fickle that we cannot love & be objective? Are our friendships & bonds so generic that we can discard them like yesterday's trash? We must remember that our encounters with one another can offer hurt or healing, hatred or love, defeat or encouragement, chaos or peace, anger or forgiveness. Which will you choose? #humbled #lessonslearned #aBETTERme #IamFREE

Love Yourself

I think it's safe to say that there have been times in everyone's lives when perhaps we didn't love ourselves enough... or let me rephrase that, perhaps we didn't show ourselves enough love. I often times say that love is a verb. It is not just a feeling or emotion that resides deep within our hearts but in order to love (or show love), we must DO something. Admittedly, I have not always made the best choices when it comes to romantic love or even friendships. But anyone who truly knows me knows that when I love, I love hard. Honestly, I don't know how to be any different and not quite sure that I want to be any different. Despite the heartaches, my experiences have taught me valuable life lessons so it is not all in vain. For that, I owe a debt of gratitude to those who have rendered (whether purposely or unintentional) hurt & harm to my heart. The past year of my life has been rather trying. For many reasons. I take full ownership and responsibility for my role in the trying times. However, it allowed me to see myself, deal with myself accordingly & make the adjustments necessary in order to demonstrate (put into action) a true love for me that aligns with my love for God as well as His love for me. I allowed myself some much deserved time & space from certain people or situations in order to have more time & intimacy with God. No distractions, no temptations; not allowing anything to cloud my judgment, intrude on my positive space or cause me to second guess all I know to be true. Just me & God. I have given all of myself in the name of love (often times too much) but now is MY time. Too many times I have placed the needs of others before my own. Too many times I have sacrificed myself for other folk's happiness. Too many times I have allowed my love for others to overpower my common sense. So for the past year, I have truly been praying & calling out to the Lord about many things. One of them being love. I could share everything that God has told/reminded me of but there probably isn't enough space on this blog to clearly articulate it all. What I will say though is that I love me some me! The good, the bad, the ugly... it is who I am and/or who I was and it has helped me to become a much better person. I love my boys more than imaginable. There is nothing that I won't do for them. While I know they will experience their own hurts and pains throughout this journey of life, if I could, I would take it for them. As I'm sure most parents can say, the love we have for our children is somewhat inexplainable. I love them like I love my next breath. When I think about how much I love my children, I have a greater understanding of God's love for me (although I probably cannot fully comprehend just how much he loves me). John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life". Truly, is there any love greater than that? With that being said, I realize the need to show myself a greater love. Not that I haven't loved myself but the action attached to the feeling should be clearer in my every day living & choices. So I make no apologies for using this past year to not only fall deeper in love with myself, but fall deeper in love with the Lord. I pray to be an example of love for Jayden & Jonah, that I may teach them about Christ's love for us & that they will know how important it is to love themselves actively & intensely. While it is good to be loved by others, whether or not someone loves me or truly demonstrates their love for me is not my concern at this time. At the end of the day, what matters most is that Jesus loves me so much that even before my physical creation, he thought I was to die for. And I'm glad about it!!! So today, I simply encourage you all to love yourselves. Not a little bit. Not half way. Not sometimes. Love yourself... daily. Fully. Completely. And unapologetically.

Damaged (but useable) Goods

Approximately 1.5 years ago, I was at Monkey Joe's with Jayden, my niece Nevaeh, my line sister and her son. The kids played until their heart's content (as usual). As we approached the parking lot, I discovered that someone had hit the side bumper of my car. There was no note, no information, nothing to be done because whomever hit my car decided to keep it moving. I contacted my insurance company & within the week visited a local body shop. The body shop could of course repair the damages but it would cost $2500. I thought to myself, how in the world could something that appears fairly minimal cost so much?! Now I didn't have to pay the $2500 in full because my insurance covered it. However, I was expected to pay a $250 deductible. I could have paid the deductible but the stubborn part of me was simply aggravated and determined not to because it wasn't my fault (insert pouty face). I didn't cause the damages so why should I be responsible for the costs of the repairs?! Granted, the damages are not severe. There isn't even really a dent just wide white scratches on the side bumper by the light. Initially, just looking at it bothered me because I pride myself on taking good care of my belongings so especially when other people damage my things, I become upset. But the more that time passes, it is less of an issue. Most of the time, I don't even notice it and my perspective about it has changed... I believe it makes my car stand out from all the hundreds of other blue Camrys that I see on the road; perhaps it even adds a little character. Besides, it is cosmetic. The car still drives the same. Nothing is wrong with the tires. The lights work. The engine and transmission are in optimal condition. No issues with brakes or alignment. The damage that occurred was external but internally, the car is still going strong. It is still being used to get from point A to point B. Fact of the matter is, it could've been worse. At the end of the day, the car is damaged; not destroyed. So over the past year and a half, I've accepted that it may have a few scratches but that's okay. For some reason the other day, this came to the forefront of my mind. I thought about how this relates to us as people. We are all damaged goods in a sense. At different points throughout time, we have allowed others (and some without our permission) to come into our lives and create damage; attempt to scar us with their own issues & to say and do things to leave a negative residue on us for others to see. And truth be told, some of our pains and damages are self inflicted. No matter what is done or attempted, these are external forces. God deals with us on the inside. The heart is still beating, blood is still flowing through our veins, our internal organs are functioning, we are breathing... which means that we are alive. Everything else is secondary. We may very well be damaged, but we are not destroyed. And because of what we have gone through; the damages that we have incurred (God building our character), He wants to use us even more. So always remember, while we may be damaged goods... God is dealing with the inside. Just like my car which is still driveable, we are still very much useable :) And the bonus to it all... Jesus has not only already paid the cost for the damage but He has the ability and power to complete all the repairs.

2012 in Review

2012 has been a challenging year to say the least... a testimony will be shared... in His time. I may not understand some things right now but what I am certain of is that the Lord IS on my side & despite the obstacles placed in my way, my faith is not waivered. I am beyond grateful to God for showing me myself, revealing the goodness and/or deceptions of others, and teaching me the hard lessons that have or will be turned into beautiful blessings. I never make New Year's Resolutions because I believe that it is important to always be in a constant state of growth; and that growth doesn't start on a specific date. I simply resolve to continue to be who I am & strive all the more to become everything God has destined & purposed for my life. I declare 2013 to be a year of great expectations, positive experiences, growth and increase on all fronts. I wholeheartedly believe & receive that God has promised me beauty for the ashes. Here's to wishing each and everyone a prosperous, peaceful and joyful 2013. May the Lord bestow an abundance of blessings on your lives.

Letter to my Son

Dear Jayden... You have not only given me the name Mommy but because of you, I am an even better woman. Every day that God allows me to breathe, I will spend it cooking breakfast for dinner, reading the same book over and over again, playing endless games of basketball & baseball, or hanging out at Monkey Joe's allowing you to jump until your heart's content... not just because you love those things but because I love you. I pray that I am helping to create the best life that I can for you & that I am teaching you about hard work, honesty/integrity, family, faith in God... and most importantly about the greatest love of all... Jesus. Thank you for making me laugh out loud on some days that I want to cry. Thank you for the tightest hugs and the sweetest kisses. Thank you for being so candid & blount while in your own little way reminding me to appreciate the simple things in life. I love you to pieces Jayden. I am ever so grateful that God thought enough of me, to give me you. Being a Mommy is hard work but I wouldn't change anything about our lives because despite the stretch marks, being awakened at 7am on Saturday morning, or any sacrifices that have been made, YOU make it all worthwhile. Happy Mother's Day... to me :) ... With Immeasurable Love, Mommy

God is STILL in Control

2012 (maybe even slightly before that) came in with a bang... seems that life has truly been happening to me & not exactly in the greatest of ways. Nevertheless, I am thankful to be alive because I recognize that some folk didn't get that opportunity this year or even this morning. It was my intention to send a Happy New Year blog as well as a Valentine's Day blog but I've been so busy with work, school, Jayden, & DST that I have very little time for much else. Admittedly, I have neglected myself in many areas -- hitting the gym, writing, open mics/poetry (being in my element) and just having real down time. There are friends whom I haven't spoken with or spent time with, certainly not due to lack of love. I'm behind on most things & have been playing catch up; a paper due tomorrow for class and one past due that I didn't turn it yet plus I have notes/documentation to complete for work. I took 4 days off of work week before last to "gather myself" and outside of finding a new school for Jayden & joining a new gym, I did absolutely nothing but lay on my couch most days. Physically, my body has been trying to catch up with all the other aspects of my life that have been moving quite quickly & with unexpected challenges. I have been mentally and emotionally drained. For those who know me well know that generally speaking, I am not a cryer at least not about my own personal issues. But one Friday night while Jayden was with his dad and I alone with a pounding headache, stomach ache, heart racing and feeling like I was having an anxiety attack -- literally laid flat on my back on my living room floor & found myself crying uncontrollably. It wasn't even clear exactly what I was crying about except that I was overwhelmed for many reasons & exhausted on many levels.

I think back on past situations that have occurred in my life that were difficult to understand and go through at the time but by the grace of God, I did so I have to remind myself that if He did it before, surely He will do it again. And back then, my relationship with Christ wasn't nearly as strong as it has become now. I don't just know the Lord because of what my Grandma told me or what I heard at church but because I've experienced Him for myself & His word penetrates to my soul; lives deeply on the inside of me. Besides that, if it never rained, how would I grow? I realize that there will be challenges in life. At the end of the day, I will stand triumphant over any challenges that confront me; big or small.

Many times I write these blogs NOT about myself personally but generally speaking about life or maybe even about something someone else is going through & has shared with me. But today, I am indeed writing about myself. I am always willing & eager to empower, uplift, & encourage others but sometimes I need those same things for myself. I realize though that its so necessary to just breathe... take time for myself.. because its impossible to be good to anyone if I'm not good to myself. I look at my son every day... he warms my heart, gives my life so much purpose. He motivates me to press forward despite whatever the circumstances, despite however fatigued or discouraged I may feel because it is not only my responsibility or obligation to him as his mother but it is my personal goal/desire to give him the best life that I can possibly give. Truly, I love that kid like I love my next breath!

A friend's Facebook status a little while ago stated, "GOD can't be GOD if you're always trying to play HIS position. KNOW YOUR ROLE". As clearly stated in my blog site title, I am a major control freak. I try to control every single thing when the fact of the matter is, I can't. When things are going well, God is in control. When things aren't going well, God is still in control. In the grand scheme of things, if my life were equivalent to a movie, while I may be the leading actress, God is the writer, producer, director... He coordinates the cast of characters included in the story as well as their duration in the film.

My faith is not wavered. My love for Him grows stronger each day. I've accepted that its okay for me to cry sometimes because even in my brokenness, I am made whole simply because of God's unconditional love & care for me. I will praise Him in good times as well as in the storm. I pray that you all know Him for yourself & trust in his perfect plan. Despite whatever the circumstances, He is still very much in control.

The Power of Words & Prayer

Something happened yesterday that gave me a greater understanding of the power of words. An old friend of mine called to catch up. Shortly into our conversation, she revealed that her teenage son was recently diagnosed with Leukemia. My heart immediately sank & tears began to fall from my eyes. Nevertheless, she was so upbeat & so much of her "normal" self even asking me not to cry; reassuring me that everything is going to be all right. She shared how recent this occurred & the series of events surrounding it all and hearing the story, anyone would realize that God is truly in the midst. Odd thing is she wasn't necessarily calling to inform me of her son's health status. However, she was calling because I had not blogged or sent out a "THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK" in a while. She shared with me how she looks forward to receiving those emails because its so inspiring & encouraging. She told me that I was gifted... from on high... and this made me cry even more (as I cry just in writing this). Writing for me has always been a therapeutic release. Even on Facebook & Twitter, I make a conscious effort to post positive status updates because I know that there is always someone out there who needs an encouraging word. And I believe my "THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK" is a word given to me from God to share with others. When I write, my prayer is for the Lord to use me. So many people have recently requested certain topics, inquired about when the next one is coming or like this person, told me how inspirational these writings are to their lives. As flattering as it is, I can't take the credit because I know that it is indeed a gift. I truly thank God for allowing me to be a vessel. In saying all of that, I think it's so important that we are mindful of our exchanges with people & how we use our words. The Bible says "Life & death is in the power of the tongue" Proverbs 18:21.

I also believe in the power of prayer. All too often, people come to us with heavy hearts and problems & we say, "girl, I'm gonna be praying for you" or "you are in my prayers". And while we have good intentions, we may actually forget to seriously pray for them. One of my best friends, Trasha, will stop what she's doing and say a prayer for you like nobody's business. And so will my line sister Chariss... Yesterday, I was so emotional from the call, I hung up with my friend without praying with her so I ask you all to pray with me as I pray for us all...

Mighty, Awesome, Amazing God
I humbly come to you with Thanksgiving & praise in my heart
Thanking you for this yet unpromised day
Thank you for the usage of my limbs, a beating heart, & blood flowing through my veins Jesus
I'm just so thankful that my name is not in the obituaries this morning Father
I thank you for the happy, healthy child you've given me
Thank you for being Jehovah Jireh, my provider -- food on the table, roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, & a job to go to every day
Thank you for surrounding us with positive energy, keeping us safe from hurt, harm & danger
Protecting us physically, emotionally, mentally & spiritually
Lord God I just thank you for simply being who you are & doing what ONLY you can do

Precious Savior I pray that you touch every heart aligned with mine in prayer
Bless each & every soul God
Help us to be encouraged & know that despite whatever the circumstances may be, we must have faith in knowing that you are in control of ALL things
God give us the strength & the wisdom to lead our children by example because not only do they hear what we say but most importantly they see what we do
Let us all be reminded to show kindness to one another in our daily interactions because we never know the struggles that someone else is facing

Restore those who are broken
Renew their spirits with unspeakable joy
Rejuvenate their souls from deep within that they may walk in confidence & peace
Resurrect the life that they are living so that they aren't living dead God because there are so many of us being held in spiritual captivity & emotional bondage Lord

Bless those who can't help themselves
Bless our children Jesus
Bless our economy that more people may have jobs & be able to provide for their families
Bless those out in the street who may not have a home to go to every night
Bless all of your children Father
Bless our President that he may continue to lead our nation with integrity & decency
Bless our Pastors that they may lead us in the proper ways of following you God

Father God I especially pray for my friend's son
I pray that you heal his body from Leukemia and any other ailments that plague him
Restore him to optimal health; better than even before God
Please allow him to enjoy his young life & to have the opportunity to grow into a man
And while he's in & out of the hospital, please keep his spirits high
May there always be a smile on his face & may he know you for himself Lord
Comfort & encourage his family; especially his mom & dad as they press through this difficult time

Gracious God please help us to all be better people
Help us to embrace the purpose that you have set for our lives & to never forget that our destiny is greatness
Although we may not always understand, help us to accept your perfect will

Lord God I thank you for your son Jesus...
I thank you for his life, his death, & his resurrection
Help us to LIVE as reflections of the one who DIED for us
We thank you for everything you've done, everything you're doing & we thank you in advance for the abundance of blessings to come
We pray to continue to be recipients of your love, grace, & mercy Father
These and all other blessings we ask in the MATCHLESS name of Jesus

Amen.