He Loves Me (and you)

Jayden is my 8 year old "strong willed" child. He's been that way since I can remember. This often times lands him in trouble both at home and school. Well, one day Jayden hesitantly came to me with tears in his eyes because he had gotten into trouble for doing something that he knew he had no business doing. I already knew what he'd done, but I waited for him to come to me. I'm not sure if what he did actually scared him or if it was his Momma's wrath that worried him, but I saw fear in his eyes as tears poured from his little face. He seemed embarrassed and ashamed of himself. He attempted to muster up the right words to explain himself and apologize in between choppy sentences, squeals and deep breaths. After the response I provided him did not meet his initial expectations of anger and he was able to calm down, he asked, "Mommy, do you still love me?". My answer was simple. "Of course I still love you Jayden. NOTHING in this world could ever make me stop loving you. NOTHING!". I went on to explain to him that sometimes I may be upset or disappointed in his behavior and actions because I know that he is capable of doing better but that doesn't change my love for him. My children mean the absolute world to me. I carried each of them for 9 long, hard months. Before they were even physically present in the world, I loved them. 2 C-sections; one emergency and one scheduled. If you know anything about pain, you know that my body endured a lot of changes before, during and after childbirth. People say that childbirth is the closest that a woman gets to death... and I believe that! I've been to every single doctor's appointment. I take off of work for every illness. I go to almost every school and sports event. I am the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny all wrapped into one. A single kiss of my lips on a "boo boo" makes it all better. Every thing I do, I do for my children. The love that I have for them is immeasurable and without condition. And although they don't realize it yet, I know them extremely well and I'm watching God work in their little lives. Sometimes we forget that God feels this same way, if not deeper for us. There were so many times in my life when I felt like I had really messed up and couldn't fix it. Times when I felt like I had disappointed God to the point that I was outside of His love and safety. But thank goodness that the devil is a liar! He already knows our failures and disappointments, He's simply waiting for us to come to him. Broken, ashamed, hurt... He has the power to heal all of that. He's not angry or seeking to punish us, His love is too strong. The pain that His one and only son Jesus endured on the cross already paid for our sins (John 3:16, Isaiah 53:5). Is there a love greater than this? My former pastor used to say all of the time that it is impossible to out sin the love of God. And I'm glad about it! From the crown of my head to soles of my feet, He loves me. When I'm right or when I'm wrong, He loves me. Through triumphs and failures, He loves me. In spite of all of my wrong doings, He loves me. He knew me and loved me even before my Earthly existence. And He will love me until the end of time. The same is true for each of you. He loves us. Unconditionally. And there's nothing we can do to change that.

Relationship Goals

We all manage different roles which brings about many different relationships. We place a great deal of importance on our connectedness to others. Relationships in general are a central focus of our lives. Every day we invest a considerable amount of energy into our familial and romantic relationships as well as our friendships. If we're married or have a significant other, we schedule date night. If we have children, we schedule play dates. If we need some time out from the spouse and kids, we schedule a night out with our friends. The calendar is always filled with some type of event or activity simply because we value those relationships and have a desire to remain connected to certain individuals whom we deem significant. Our prayer and goal is to see those relationships grow. Although it may not always be a conscious decision, in relationships, we set goals. For example, most of the time when we're dating, we have an end goal of marriage. Even more so, we have a list of goals detailing exactly what we want that relationship to look & feel like. We've all seen the posts on social media with a picture of an old couple holding hands and the subject of the post reads "Relationship Goals" because ideally, this is what we want for ourselves. A lifetime to spend with a special someone who contributes to our happiness, has our best interests and well being at heart, and knows our flaws and (some of) our secrets but loves us anyway. So we often times do whatever it takes to achieve that relationship goal. Building a relationship is an exciting and joyful experience because it's new, we've got butterflies when we see the person, we're having 5 hour phone conversations and can't believe how much we have in common. Over time, we may realize that there are certain things that bother us about the person. Perhaps it's the way that they chew, maybe their views on important issues in life are not up to our standards, or even worse -- Baby Momma/Baby Daddy drama. The relationship then becomes a challenge. Part of us wants to walk away but well, we're already in love so we keep working at it (spending time together, investing money into the relationship, opening up and sharing ourselves); all in the hopes and prayers that we'll begin to be on one accord... or at least 80/20. We are now bonded with this person. Our level of intimacy is deep; they are first in our lives. We can't imagine being without them and feel weird when the day is quickly passing without a visit or conversation. We're exchanging I love you's regularly and demonstrating that love in our actions of faithfulness, trust, commitment, and gratitude for the reciprocating demonstrations of love. In the middle of the day we may even find ourselves daydreaming, laughing or smiling about a particular memory that we recall of that person, something they did or said, or how amazing they make us feel. When we think about the love that person has for us, it's overwhelming and tears trickle from our eyes. Now don't get me wrong when I say this, it's certainly all right to have that type of relationship. The problem is that in setting our relationship goals, we become so consumed with our horizontal relationships (with people) that we forget about our vertical relationship (with God). And not only do we not invest enough of our time, resources, and energy into building and strengthening our relationship with God, we also then expect Him to bless a relationship that we have not invited Him to be apart of (but I digress... that's a separate blog). The Bible says that God is a jealous God. To me that says that He wants to be first in our lives. Psalm 34:7 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". That tells me that he wants us to be happy. 1 Peter 5:6-7, Deuteronomy 31:6, and Romans 8:28 clearly tell me that God wants the best for us. The Bible further tells us that we were knit together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13) and that He knows every hair on our heads (Matthew 10:30) which tells me that he knows every good and not so good thing about us yet loves us anyway. He wants an intimate relationship with us (1 Timothy 2:3-4). He doesn't want to be the side piece. He doesn't want to engage with us occasionally, he wants to engage with us daily. This is through our prayer life and reading of his Word. He wants us to love Him and desire a relationship with Him. He doesn't want us to keep Him to ourselves either. He wants us to witness and share about the relationship we have with him, let others know about the goodness of Jesus and the miracles we’ve seen him perform in our own lives. Again, he doesn't want to be the side piece. He wants us to claim him (Matthew 10:33). Just as we do in our relationships when our special someone takes us out or buys us something nice, we should be expressing our gratitude to God for all things, big and small. We should not only be declaring that love for Him in our words but demonstrating that love for Him with our actions of faithfulness, trust, and commitment to serving Him and serving others. He made the ultimate sacrifice by sending his only son Jesus to die on the cross, JUST for us. Undoubtedly, that's true love right there! That's the kind of love that should bring us to tears. As we are developing & strengthening our relationship with God, there will be challenges. Trials will come that will cause us to consider reverting to our old ways or abandoning God because sometimes, truth be told, we may feel abandoned by God in our times of trial. Do not be mistaken, He is always there, extending himself and wanting a relationship with us. We will have break ups, friendships will end, children will leave home, some marriages unfortunately will fail. Our horizontal relationships may for whatever reason no longer exist or become questionable. But let us not be vertically challenged. Let us remember the importance and value of our relationship with God. THAT is the ultimate relationship goal. SN: By the way, at the end of the day, no other relationship will survive if He's not invited.

God's Masterpiece

Last year for my birthday, a few of my nearest and dearest joined me for a paint class at Wine & Design. For those who are not familiar with Wine & Design, it is a paint studio where you rent the space for a couple of hours and an instructor is present who assists you and your group with painting a canvas of your choice. For most of us, painting doesn't come naturally and we probably hadn't painted since elementary school in art class. However, with the soothing music playing in the background plus the laughter and random conversations with great friends, it proved to be quite relaxing and fun. The instructor was awesome! She kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be fine. We can fix anything". Some of us needed a little more help than others (lol) but we all walked away with our very own masterpieces. We laughed so hard at my friend (who shall remain nameless but she knows who she is) who's canvas (which was a butterfly on top of a flower) looked nothing like a butterfly or a flower at first. Magically, the instructor was able to enhance the picture with careful, gentle and meticulous strokes of the paint brush to not only make it recognizable but to transform the canvas into a true work of art. As I ponder on this, I realize that is what God does for us. We begin as a blank canvas with the etchings of God's plan and purpose outlined for us to paint. I know this because His word says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" & "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well (Psalm 139:13-14)." Despite the mistakes or errors that we make, God is able to enhance our lives with those experiences. With careful, gentle, and meticulous strokes, He is able to transform our failures, heartbreaks, shortcomings, and disappointments into beautiful blessings. I am imperfect, flawed, and not at all without fault. But I own those imperfections, flaws, faults & love who I am while at the same time making no apologies or excuses either. I haven't always done things right and for as long as I live, I'm sure there will be more things that I don't get right on the first try. I used to beat myself up for that but now I understand that even my imperfections are written in God's plan and purpose for my life. I am so thankful to Him for showing me myself, loving me in spite of myself, and blessing me anyway. Just like the Wine & Design instructor, I can hear God whisper sweetly in my ear saying "Don't worry, it'll be fine. I can fix anything". So on THIS day, my 36th birthday, I recognize myself as a true work in progress; God's Masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God’s Masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." When I wake up every morning, especially this morning, I thank God that the paint hasn't dried and the Artist is still carefully, gently, and meticulously stroking His brush on me.

2014 In Review

WOW... seems like I was just saying goodbye to 2013 and welcoming in 2014 and now already the time is nearing for 2014's end. So many wonderful things have occurred this year! March 24th -- I officially completed my Masters degree in Education from Strayer University. These were NOT online classes. Every class was on campus for 4 hours once a week. I took only one class each quarter which ended up being 4 years for me to complete my degree but by God's grace, that journey came to a beautiful end. April 6th -- One of the PROUDEST days of my life... I was there to watch my middle niece Sharoyal Nicole Brown cross the burning sands into Delta land. I also attended her probate on the campus of MY alma mater, The University of North Carolina at Charlotte. To this day, it brings tears to my eyes. May 4th -- After 14 months of attending, I officially joined my church, Crossroads Fellowship. Since joining, I occasionally serve as a greeter. I've also become connected with a small group on Wednesday nights called Single & Parenting. I have met great people and I am building relationships with other Christians who are very supportive and prayerful. It is such a blessing to have found a church home where I am receiving and learning God's word, able to serve and grow & also where my children enjoy to do the same. August 16th -- On my sister's 39th birthday, although I initially decided that I would not participate in commencement, upon my sister's urging, I walked across the stage at the Time Warner Cable Arena in Charlotte, NC graduating with honors in the Master of Education program at Strayer University. I didn't think I'd be as emotional as I was on that day but I was overcome with joy and truly proud of myself. October 26th -- My 2 beautiful boys, Jayden and Jonah, were dedicated to Christ at church <3 November 12th -- After 4 previous pre-approvals over the past 11 years of living in Raleigh, I finally purchased a house. I did not allow fear to convince me otherwise. For a long time, I've wanted to return to Charlotte. However, the way God lined things up... I had to trust Him and get out of my own way. I absolutely love my house. It fits my personality perfectly. The boys and I are so grateful and really enjoying our new space. 2014 has been extremely good to me. To describe the year in one word, I'd say MIRACULOUS because if you knew what I know, you'd know that God not only showed up, He showed out! This list is just a few of the things that I wanted to share. There has been so much work done with me on the inside... I honestly cannot begin to write it all in this blog :) He healed emotional wounds, released me from unnecessary bondage and truly set me free (#FREEyourself). I was reminded of exactly who I am & who I belong to. As I say each year, I don't make New Year's resolutions because I believe that it's important to be in a continual state of growth. Why wait until a particular day to start a goal? So as always, I resolve to strive to be better every single day of my life; a better Christian, a better mom/Aunt/Sister/Daughter/Friend, and an overall better person. I pray and speak into existence that 2015 will be equally as awesome, even EPIC. I wake up every morning stoked about what God is doing in my life! Here's to wishing you all a happy, healthy, peaceful new year :)

I Am...

As I often say, I believe that it is important to continually seek growth; to educate ourselves, to free ourselves, to better ourselves, and to know ourselves. I am in a great space in my life spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. This joy (James 1:2-3, Psalm 30:5) that I have... the peace (Numbers 6:25-26, Isaiah 26:3, 1 Peter 5:7, 1 Corinthians 14:33) that I feel... is indescribable. I feel liberated. I feel empowered. I feel whole (John 1:12). And I know that it all comes from God because He makes me who I am. Despite what people may think or say, despite my past mistakes or even the mistakes that I may make in the future (because I make no claims to be perfect nor am I always right), despite my failures, flaws & shortcomings; I am everything God says I am... I am created in his image. -- Genesis 1:27 I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was created on purpose and with a purpose. -- Psalm 139:13-16, Jeremiah 29:11 I am deeply loved. -- John 3:16, Romans 8:38 I am a Masterpiece. -- Ephesians 2:10 I am more than a conqueror. -- Romans 8:37 I am capable. -- Philippians 4:13 I am saved. -- Romans 10:9 I am forgiven. -- Psalm 103:10-14, Luke 6:37, 1 John 1:9 I am a new creature. -- 2 Corinthians 5:17 I am favored. -- Psalm 30:5, John 1:16 I am healed. -- Psalm 147:3 I am well taken care of. -- Philippians 4:19, Matthew 6:25-34 I am significant. -- Matthew 10:30, Psalm 56:8 I am free. -- Psalm 34:4 I have come so far & still have so far to go. But Philippians 1:6 says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I pray every day for God to show me myself, to help me become the woman (Proverbs 31) I am destined to be. I am so happy with this skin I am in. And just so grateful for God's unconditional love. He is everything to me... & I am nothing without Him. I encourage you all to go forth with confidence knowing, believing, and trusting who God's Word (John 1:1) says you are!

Let Me Clear My Throat

Our involvement/relationship with someone should be based on our own personal interactions with that person... NOT the interactions and opinions shared from another person. We must form our own thoughts. Go with what we've seen for ourselves and not what we've heard. And if we have an issue with a person, instead of throwing shade... confront them directly; have a mature and open conversation. If a person humbles themselves enough to come to us offering an apology or to clear up a misunderstanding... accept that it is done in love and learn to leave it there. We are never ALWAYS right. When we truly love or care about someone, admit our wrongs or accept responsibility for our role. It's funny how we have a hard time facing ourselves & get ghost on the truth. Are our minds so limited when it comes to basic logic & reasoning? Are our hearts so fickle that we cannot love & be objective? Are our friendships & bonds so generic that we can discard them like yesterday's trash? We must remember that our encounters with one another can offer hurt or healing, hatred or love, defeat or encouragement, chaos or peace, anger or forgiveness. Which will you choose? #humbled #lessonslearned #aBETTERme #IamFREE

Love Yourself

I think it's safe to say that there have been times in everyone's lives when perhaps we didn't love ourselves enough... or let me rephrase that, perhaps we didn't show ourselves enough love. I often times say that love is a verb. It is not just a feeling or emotion that resides deep within our hearts but in order to love (or show love), we must DO something. Admittedly, I have not always made the best choices when it comes to romantic love or even friendships. But anyone who truly knows me knows that when I love, I love hard. Honestly, I don't know how to be any different and not quite sure that I want to be any different. Despite the heartaches, my experiences have taught me valuable life lessons so it is not all in vain. For that, I owe a debt of gratitude to those who have rendered (whether purposely or unintentional) hurt & harm to my heart. The past year of my life has been rather trying. For many reasons. I take full ownership and responsibility for my role in the trying times. However, it allowed me to see myself, deal with myself accordingly & make the adjustments necessary in order to demonstrate (put into action) a true love for me that aligns with my love for God as well as His love for me. I allowed myself some much deserved time & space from certain people or situations in order to have more time & intimacy with God. No distractions, no temptations; not allowing anything to cloud my judgment, intrude on my positive space or cause me to second guess all I know to be true. Just me & God. I have given all of myself in the name of love (often times too much) but now is MY time. Too many times I have placed the needs of others before my own. Too many times I have sacrificed myself for other folk's happiness. Too many times I have allowed my love for others to overpower my common sense. So for the past year, I have truly been praying & calling out to the Lord about many things. One of them being love. I could share everything that God has told/reminded me of but there probably isn't enough space on this blog to clearly articulate it all. What I will say though is that I love me some me! The good, the bad, the ugly... it is who I am and/or who I was and it has helped me to become a much better person. I love my boys more than imaginable. There is nothing that I won't do for them. While I know they will experience their own hurts and pains throughout this journey of life, if I could, I would take it for them. As I'm sure most parents can say, the love we have for our children is somewhat inexplainable. I love them like I love my next breath. When I think about how much I love my children, I have a greater understanding of God's love for me (although I probably cannot fully comprehend just how much he loves me). John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life". Truly, is there any love greater than that? With that being said, I realize the need to show myself a greater love. Not that I haven't loved myself but the action attached to the feeling should be clearer in my every day living & choices. So I make no apologies for using this past year to not only fall deeper in love with myself, but fall deeper in love with the Lord. I pray to be an example of love for Jayden & Jonah, that I may teach them about Christ's love for us & that they will know how important it is to love themselves actively & intensely. While it is good to be loved by others, whether or not someone loves me or truly demonstrates their love for me is not my concern at this time. At the end of the day, what matters most is that Jesus loves me so much that even before my physical creation, he thought I was to die for. And I'm glad about it!!! So today, I simply encourage you all to love yourselves. Not a little bit. Not half way. Not sometimes. Love yourself... daily. Fully. Completely. And unapologetically.