2012 in Review

2012 has been a challenging year to say the least... a testimony will be shared... in His time. I may not understand some things right now but what I am certain of is that the Lord IS on my side & despite the obstacles placed in my way, my faith is not waivered. I am beyond grateful to God for showing me myself, revealing the goodness and/or deceptions of others, and teaching me the hard lessons that have or will be turned into beautiful blessings. I never make New Year's Resolutions because I believe that it is important to always be in a constant state of growth; and that growth doesn't start on a specific date. I simply resolve to continue to be who I am & strive all the more to become everything God has destined & purposed for my life. I declare 2013 to be a year of great expectations, positive experiences, growth and increase on all fronts. I wholeheartedly believe & receive that God has promised me beauty for the ashes. Here's to wishing each and everyone a prosperous, peaceful and joyful 2013. May the Lord bestow an abundance of blessings on your lives.

Letter to my Son

Dear Jayden... You have not only given me the name Mommy but because of you, I am an even better woman. Every day that God allows me to breathe, I will spend it cooking breakfast for dinner, reading the same book over and over again, playing endless games of basketball & baseball, or hanging out at Monkey Joe's allowing you to jump until your heart's content... not just because you love those things but because I love you. I pray that I am helping to create the best life that I can for you & that I am teaching you about hard work, honesty/integrity, family, faith in God... and most importantly about the greatest love of all... Jesus. Thank you for making me laugh out loud on some days that I want to cry. Thank you for the tightest hugs and the sweetest kisses. Thank you for being so candid & blount while in your own little way reminding me to appreciate the simple things in life. I love you to pieces Jayden. I am ever so grateful that God thought enough of me, to give me you. Being a Mommy is hard work but I wouldn't change anything about our lives because despite the stretch marks, being awakened at 7am on Saturday morning, or any sacrifices that have been made, YOU make it all worthwhile. Happy Mother's Day... to me :) ... With Immeasurable Love, Mommy

God is STILL in Control

2012 (maybe even slightly before that) came in with a bang... seems that life has truly been happening to me & not exactly in the greatest of ways. Nevertheless, I am thankful to be alive because I recognize that some folk didn't get that opportunity this year or even this morning. It was my intention to send a Happy New Year blog as well as a Valentine's Day blog but I've been so busy with work, school, Jayden, & DST that I have very little time for much else. Admittedly, I have neglected myself in many areas -- hitting the gym, writing, open mics/poetry (being in my element) and just having real down time. There are friends whom I haven't spoken with or spent time with, certainly not due to lack of love. I'm behind on most things & have been playing catch up; a paper due tomorrow for class and one past due that I didn't turn it yet plus I have notes/documentation to complete for work. I took 4 days off of work week before last to "gather myself" and outside of finding a new school for Jayden & joining a new gym, I did absolutely nothing but lay on my couch most days. Physically, my body has been trying to catch up with all the other aspects of my life that have been moving quite quickly & with unexpected challenges. I have been mentally and emotionally drained. For those who know me well know that generally speaking, I am not a cryer at least not about my own personal issues. But one Friday night while Jayden was with his dad and I alone with a pounding headache, stomach ache, heart racing and feeling like I was having an anxiety attack -- literally laid flat on my back on my living room floor & found myself crying uncontrollably. It wasn't even clear exactly what I was crying about except that I was overwhelmed for many reasons & exhausted on many levels.

I think back on past situations that have occurred in my life that were difficult to understand and go through at the time but by the grace of God, I did so I have to remind myself that if He did it before, surely He will do it again. And back then, my relationship with Christ wasn't nearly as strong as it has become now. I don't just know the Lord because of what my Grandma told me or what I heard at church but because I've experienced Him for myself & His word penetrates to my soul; lives deeply on the inside of me. Besides that, if it never rained, how would I grow? I realize that there will be challenges in life. At the end of the day, I will stand triumphant over any challenges that confront me; big or small.

Many times I write these blogs NOT about myself personally but generally speaking about life or maybe even about something someone else is going through & has shared with me. But today, I am indeed writing about myself. I am always willing & eager to empower, uplift, & encourage others but sometimes I need those same things for myself. I realize though that its so necessary to just breathe... take time for myself.. because its impossible to be good to anyone if I'm not good to myself. I look at my son every day... he warms my heart, gives my life so much purpose. He motivates me to press forward despite whatever the circumstances, despite however fatigued or discouraged I may feel because it is not only my responsibility or obligation to him as his mother but it is my personal goal/desire to give him the best life that I can possibly give. Truly, I love that kid like I love my next breath!

A friend's Facebook status a little while ago stated, "GOD can't be GOD if you're always trying to play HIS position. KNOW YOUR ROLE". As clearly stated in my blog site title, I am a major control freak. I try to control every single thing when the fact of the matter is, I can't. When things are going well, God is in control. When things aren't going well, God is still in control. In the grand scheme of things, if my life were equivalent to a movie, while I may be the leading actress, God is the writer, producer, director... He coordinates the cast of characters included in the story as well as their duration in the film.

My faith is not wavered. My love for Him grows stronger each day. I've accepted that its okay for me to cry sometimes because even in my brokenness, I am made whole simply because of God's unconditional love & care for me. I will praise Him in good times as well as in the storm. I pray that you all know Him for yourself & trust in his perfect plan. Despite whatever the circumstances, He is still very much in control.