Unbothered and unapologetic

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself having a real emotional break down. For 2 days, I just couldn't seem to get myself together. Now usually, I schedule time for my pity parties. For example, when I'm dealing with a particular issue, I say to myself, "Ok, you've got until 4:00pm to sulk and then you gotta let it go." And typically, I follow the rules. However, on those 2 days, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and my pity party time limits went straight out the door. On Wednesday night after a long talk with my mentor, I walked into Food Lion to make a small purchase and while checking out, tears were flowing down my cheeks. As much as I tried to hold it in, I could not. I am sure the cashier wanted to address me but probably just didn't know how. There wasn't even one thing that was bothering me. It was this culmination of everything and everyone that hit me all at once. It started with something small... as it always does and spiraled quickly into first world problems. If I'm totally honest, for the purposes of full disclosure, I am still a little bit tender... still reflecting on a few things. Yesterday, I read and reposted a great meme on social media that said, "You only have so much emotional energy each day. Don't fight battles that don't matter." Those words resonated deeply with me. I am the quintessential over-thinker. The way my brain works and analyzes things would blow your whole entire mind. I realize though that I cannot worry about my relationships with other people beyond being me, demonstrating love to those I care dearly for, praying for and encouraging them & being authentic in my interactions. I cannot control whether or not that is reciprocated. I cannot stress about work and things that I cannot fix. I can only do my best and trust God to be my source. I cannot allow the actions or inaction of others to dictate my mood or tempo. I can only control my response. I cannot expend energy to situations that, in the whole scheme of life, simply do not matter. At the end of the day, my blessings outweigh my problems. And when there is a problem, God always comes through right on time. I'm just so tired of allowing everything and everyone to get the best of me when I should be giving the best to myself. Obviously, no one is using their time or energy being concerned about how they treat me so why should I waste my time and energy trying to figure out why they're treating me some type of way? Moving forward, I vow to trust my gut. To accept what God allows. Be brave. Be bold. Stay focused on my personal goals. Speak my truth & don't take any shit... from NOBODY!!! I will keep my chakras aligned, talk to God daily, mind my own business (per usual), drink water and GROW. The people who have genuine love & concern for me and my boys are welcome to share in our lives. Everyone else can kick rocks with open toed shoes! No fake friends. No negative energy. No unnecessary drama. I'm not here for the shade, the shit show or the pissing contests. And know that if anyone comes to me with some B.S., be prepared for an honest conversation on how you got me all the way fucked up because I'm all the way over it. The closer I get to 40, the less I care about other people's feelings as I am becoming more & more aware with each passing day of how little people care about mine. I will continue to love everyone but my time will only be invested in those who also invest time in me. I deserve the same love that I give. I do NOT deserve to be half loved, sometimes loved, or loved at whomever's convenience. I'm not holding on tight to anyone who doesn't want to hold on tight to me. My release game is strong. Sorry not sorry. Welcome to this season of being unbothered and unapologetic... I caution you to watch your step.

Check on Your Strong Friend

Strong friend... is that a real thing? I think that we are all strong in a sense but there are times when we should be allowed to not be so strong. Life can be too much at times. Overwhelming. Complex. Ever changing. Even the smallest things can feel like big things depending on the day. And as a result, I admit... sometimes I get "in my feelings". I am naturally an encourager -- I enjoy being an encourager and take great pride in it. I try to make everyone feel special in some way. I genuinely care about people and what they're going through. I pray for others more than I even pray for myself. When I am going through a difficult time or facing some challenges, most people don't even know. When a friend calls to vent, I listen and respond no less lovingly or concerned than I would if I didn't have my own stuff going on. It matters to me how others feel. It matters to me when my loved ones are sad, hurt, or bothered. If for any reason I am ever the cause of any of those negative feelings, I want to make sure that I somehow make it right. Some people have this impression that I am so calm and relaxed or that things don't bother me and while generally speaking that is true, it is not always the case. Sometimes, I'm falling apart at the seams. Sometimes, I have so much going on in my head and my heart that I honestly cannot function like a normal person. The older I get, the more difficult it becomes to balance life and simultaneously balance my emotions. With that being said, for those who may consider me "the strong friend"... I am but I also have my limits. I have my breaking points. I have meltdowns. So if you see that I am not myself -- maybe I'm cranky, maybe I'm more quiet than usual, maybe I'm not joking and engaging -- whatever I may be that is different from the norm... Please, don't take it personal. Instead, offer me some grace. And maybe even stop to ask, "Are you ok? How can I help?" Please remember that it's important to check in on your strong friend. We don't mind holding others up, whispering prayers, being a listening ear, coming through in any way needed or giving reassurance and support by saying I love you, I'm here for you. But there are times when we need to be held up, prayed for, listened to, came through for, and to be reassured and supported by being told I love you & I'm here for you.

But God...

The other day I wore one of my favorite t-shirts. It says “But God” and references Ephesians 2:4-6. On March 23rd (my dad’s 68th birthday), I experienced a But God moment as I was involved in a minor car accident. The accident could have been major as I was literally seconds and probably an inch away from losing my life -- totally no exaggeration. I only shared this with a few people; not even my own Momma because it really shook me to my core. For about 4-5 days, I hardly talked and couldn’t really eat. The following Tuesday morning, I received a phone call from a dear friend/Mentor/Soror who knew about the accident. She said that I had been so heavy on her heart & she wanted to make sure I was okay. I honestly don’t remember my response but I remember her saying, “Itisha, it was not your time. This should reassure you of God’s presence in your life. He is always with you.” And of course since I was at work with a group of youth 10 feet away from me, I turned my back to them as I felt the tears rolling down my face. So today, exactly 30 days later, I am beyond grateful to wake up for my 39th birthday. God gave me another opportunity to reach my goals, pour into my children, love on the special people in my life, and just be me. I very well could have been sleeping in my grave (as the old folks say)… BUT God. When I look back over these 39 blessed years, I recognize quite a few BUT God moments. Situations when I could have lost my whole entire mind. Situations when I felt like all my joy was gone. Situations that are so super crazy that if I would tell it, most people wouldn’t even believe it could actually be true. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to tell the stories. What I will say though is I thank God for separating me from certain people and removing me from situations that held me in bondage so for everything I lost… thank you for setting me free. March 23, 2018 could have been the end of my dash. As of this moment, and THIS day, I am continuing to live in my dash. April 22, 1979 -- ? That is nobody BUT GOD! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! And may the good Lord keep on keepin’ me.